He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
