I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
We need to rekindle our bromance
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
