they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
