I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
