I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
