swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
did i walk over a car last night?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
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