True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
