Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
