I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
