how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
