I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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