Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
