I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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