people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
