dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
