i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
