He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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