my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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