anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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