shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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