well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
