You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
