Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
My penis needs a shock collar
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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