I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
