Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
