Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
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