I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
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