just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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