No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
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If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
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Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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