Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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