So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Randomize
