Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
