You smell like a Billy Joel song
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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