Are we in a gay sports bar?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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