so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
