Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
