I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
