I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
