I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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