Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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