He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
