my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
