My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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