Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
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