Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
