What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I wear drunk well.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
