I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
