Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Randomize
