I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Randomize
