Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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