i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
