She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Randomize
