Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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