I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
