a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
