i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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