I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
