Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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