I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
